I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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