i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
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Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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