he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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