I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
