Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
