Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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