Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
