omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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