Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
