Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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