You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
