Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
