How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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