I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
