Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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