I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
