I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
