I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
