My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
