why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
