have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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