Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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