I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
