anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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