I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
