Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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