Me too!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
