I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
