you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
