After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
