Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
