Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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