Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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