its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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