I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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