my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
