You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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