Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
