Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My vagina is officially offended.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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