I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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