I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
