Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
