If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
