I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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