On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
operation harelip BJ is a go
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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