I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the condom got lost in my hair
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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