I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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