i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
