i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
