Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
