can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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