what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
