The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
