is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
